1. SHOCK: The initial stage of grief is usually experienced
even if the death has been expected, as in a long terminal illness.
There is only so much physical or psychic pain which can be endured
by the mind, and when that limit is reached, the mental/emotional
system shuts down. There is often denial, which can last for quite
some time. This is expressed as "numbness," or as a sense of unreality.
2. EMOTIONAL RELEASE: As the shock wears off there is a need
to release all the emotions, which have been building up. This release
may be verbal or physical, and while this is healthy, care should
be taken to ensure the safety of the individual, others, or personal
property. Some hospitals have recognized this stage of grief and have
provided special "screaming rooms" where these powerful emotions can
be safely vented.
3. DEPRESSION: There are often feelings of loneliness and utter
isolation, which come with depression. The feeling of "there is no
help for me" is normal and very common. There is a push/pull situation,
wanting to be alone and yet feeling a need for people at the same
time. This frequently produces fears of panic and impending insanity.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: The grieving individual will
often take on the physical symptoms of the illness, which caused the
death of the loved one. In the event of an accident, the bereaved
will sometimes feel pressure in the chest or have stomach problems,
and fear heart attack or cancer. This is normal and usually indicates
the depth of the loss and the person wishing to "join" the deceased.
5. ANXIETY: A common response to loss is for the bereaved to
experience vivid dreams of the deceased, so vivid that they believe
they have actually seen or hear their loved one. Another common manifestation
is that the bereaved will mistake another person for the deceased,
usually on the street or in a store. This will sometimes cause great
embarrassment as they may address the stranger, only to realize their
mistake.
6. HOSTILITY: When a loved one has died, it is very common
for the survivor to feel anger at those who were involved in the situation,
especially medical personnel and clergy. There is a feeling of "Why
didn't you do more?" God is a frequent target for this rage, which
many people have a difficult time accepting.
7. GUILT: This emotion can be imaginary or exaggerated, but
should not be ignored. Following the death, it is a common experience
for the living to remember only the negative aspects of the relationship,
those times of insensitivity or harsh words spoken in anger. Seldom
does the bereaved pause and remember the beautiful times when all
the love and tenderness were evident.
8. HESITANCY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: There is often a fear
of returning to the regular routine of living. This fear takes several
aspects. There is concern about how people will respond to the bereaved;
there is a desire to talk about the deceased but a fear of rejection;
there is a pain that comes with hearing that "special" song, or seeing
something in a store that brings back the memory of the loved one.
9. HEALING OF MEMORIES: There is a slow realization that the
painful memories are part of the healing process and must be integrated
into the life of the bereaved. It is a time of reaching out, however
tentatively, to embrace fully all that has happened and to accept
that life must change if it is to continue. The memories become less
frightening and the sky a bit brighter as the bereaved begins to face
the world with more and more confidence.
10. ACCEPTANCE OF ONE'S NEW ROLE IN LIFE: Loss brings about
changes. Whether it is the resumption of single life after years of
marriage, or going on through the years without a parent, there must
be the realization that a new role is to be accepted and lived. The
cycle of life continues, and the bereaved can finally shed the cloak
of grief and take on the robe of peace and renewal.
